Something happened to me a few weeks back. At the hands of basically a stranger.
I felt lost in a blur. Frozen. Couldn't function, refused to function, couldn't find the energy to function. I was Frozen.
I am recovering from what was described to me as trauma induced breakdown. I've been trying to see it as a break through, but days like this remind me how far I still have to heal, just to feel more strength to deal with awful situations better. Even when I shouldn't have to.
The way men speak to women on a daily basis is disgusting.
Let me rephrase, some men. It is absolutely not all. Well not all to me.
But I observe a large majority of men deal with at least one woman they have an interaction with, with some sort of sexual inuendoe, joke, tid bit.
Then we go home to our husbands, who love us and we don't want them to touch us because other men make us feel like meat. Like vaginas on legs.
I want to scream.
The thing that happened to me was disgusting.
A 'customer' in my day job actually told me on the phone, 'the best protein for women, do you know what it is? It's men's semen." He thought this was funny.....
He started the week with the lovliest phone call. I have only met this customer once. Haven't spoken to him since then, approximately a year ago.
He tells me how wonderful i am with customers, tells me what i have can't be taught, a natural gift. What a lovely compliment. I was flawed. It was such a lovely thing to hear. Especially after a rough last few months in life, I am finally feeling like myself at work where I give my best all day and how lovely for someone to say so.
He called the next day. Referring to himself as 'the Greek adonis' and big noting himself about all the rich people he is in business with and all the business he was going to bring to the company. He then asked me if I knew what it meant to 'flick the bean' and then quickly apologised when I stumbled over words. Claimed he was referring to a coffee shop and made a joke and then proclaimed to be gay, like that would excuse his sexual remark. He called back a bit later, started lovely, 'how is your day' then big noting himself again, then he was making remarks about anal sex, which he again tried to make ok by inferring he was gay?? What an atrocity to Gay men.
It was then he said to me the disgraceful comment about semen. I laughed it off.
Me, an abuse survivor, goes into freeze mode in these moments. So it just continues.
I'm almost in tears on the phone, and this asshole thinks I'm allowing it.
He came in for a meeting the following day, and my colleagues quickly swooped him into a meeting room so I didn't have to deal with him. Not that they knew the extent of what he had been saying to me, they just knew he wasn't welcome. He clearly had a plan on his way in, to continue his behaviour, becauae as he was getting swooped off he asked me if I wanted a coffee and flicked a coffee bean at me.
He followed that up 2 days later with emails of a coffee shop called Flick my Bean. This man's behaviour is atrocious. I was absolutely distraught by the emails and forwarded to my boss advising of the semen comment as well. The Greek adonis then called, off an anonomys number, no doubt in an attempt to catch me off guard, and asked me if I received his emails.
I was furious, shaking, but somehow calmly told him I did get his emails I did not appreciate them and his behaviour was inappropriate and unacceptable. He responded by exclaiming 'excuse me', and I don't know what he said next because, finally, I hung up on him.
When I got strong enough to say no more, he arked up at me, as if how dare I question his intentions.
When his lawyer called back later it was evident he has a problem.
But that just doesn't make it ok. I am affected by this man's behaviour.
My marriage is affected.
So do I press charges. Do I take it further.
I am fortunate through my learnings to have been able to reflect on this quite quickly since it occurred, I see his behaviour pattern all week when I look back at it. What a weak little man. I feel like if I pressed charges he would win. He wants me affected. He's a piece of shit. And ive seen the help women get in these situations, I would spend so much energy fighting for my rights and get no where. Our systems designed to support women in this circumstance are a joke!
A week later a different customer asked me if I knew what I was having, I explained I was not pregnant just like chocolate and this elderly man probably in his 80's looked me up and down and said 'well as long as your husband is OK with it'
The next week, yet another old man at my desk talking to me about porn! I actually just walked away mid conversation!!
What if this happened to one of my daughters and not me.
What if this was your son??? Your brother, your friend..... your husband.
I am raising sons. I would be utterly devastated if either of them behaved in this way. I honestly can so I know they wouldn't.
We have a responsibility as women, to share with the men in our lives how we feel when such a vial disgraceful act of human happens to us. To ensure they know it is not ok.
Perhaps this is how we change the future, find actual equality.
My 9 year old asked me what the man said to me, I of course did not tell him the words that were used, but I explained that the man made yucky sexual remarks to mummy and it upset me alot. Maybe if we keep having the 'as honest as we can be' conversations and not shy away from them, or laugh them off, maybe we can help be the change.
So I encourage you to talk to the men in your life, especially if you find yourself in situations like this. Tell them how it makes you feel and maybe together we can help limit how often women are subjected to this behaviour.
~xx~